Regressive behaviors and harm-indicators are often seen in children whose parent is harmful, abusive, coercively controlling, or very unfocused on their child’s needs. Sometimes the behaviors are new and temporary and quick attention can help address the problem, especially right after separation.
Sometimes they are signs of longer term exposure to harmful parenting. These are often attachment behaviors which have been utilized by the child for self-protection against their parents who address their child’s needs and feelings by dismissing/ignoring them, responding inconsistently, or responding harshly or violently. In these cases, the non-harming parent usually needs to become a “healing-parent,” because technically it’s legal to harm children. Here’s a link about that.
These behavioral indicators are often not noticed by people or professionals. Like the solar eclipse, which is a big thing, you can’t see it unless you have the right tools (solar sunglasses).
Basic, often new regressive behaviors
Clinging
Separation anxiety
Baby talk, speaking well below their age
Babbling, communicating with non-verbal sounds, fake noises, squeaks,
Acting younger than age
Toileting problems
Bedwetting
Stuttering
Learning challenges
Problems at school
Crying, weeping,
Quiet, sad, lethargic
Withdrawn, not engaging with others like they used to
Uncomfortable with touch
Bullying others or animals
Inappropriate actions, taking, stealing,
Sudden aggressive actions
Aggression to siblings, others, pets, objects
Reduced interest in life
Avoids talking about problems
Play has changed, is aggressive, or demonstrates concerning behaviors or issues not normally seen
Play is non-imaginative, rote, boring, or “busy-busy,” or constantly interrupted with over-concern about parent’s location
Increased startle response
Increased fight, flight, or freeze responses
Over-protecting an aggressive parent
Over-inhibiting distress, avoiding feelings
Over-indulging in outbursts, indulging feelings
Excessive pleas for adults to do for the child what the child can do themselves (unnecessary “rescue-me” or “I caaaan’t, you do it!” behaviors
More intense regressive behaviors
Restlessness
Sleep disturbance
Nightmares
Eating change
Food hoarding
Eating binges
Eating disorders
Weight changes
Laughing at inappropriate times, when in danger, when someone else hurt
Displayed agitation
Conduct or disciplinary problems
Flashbacks
Trance-like states
Attachment behaviors (short list)
A-list
Memory problems, especially not remembering details of prior harmful experiences
Doesn’t dwell on the past
Excessive blame of self, saying “sorry, my fault” excessively
Over-focused on positive things, to exclusion of negative things that should not be forgotten or ignored
Difficulty looking at faces/eyes
Avoiding their own needs excessively
Rarely acknowledges vulnerability or harm (like the Palestinian boy who was stabbed to death, his last words to his mom were “Mom, I’m fine.”)
Movements are jerky, extended still/frozen times
Overbright smiles
False Positive Affect, smiling or demonstrating positive feelings in stressful situations
Very sensitive to shame
Yarnball, big problems disappear, like the yarn’s end is held as the ball is tossed (Like the Palestinian boy above)
C-list
Excessive responsibility avoidance
Excessive blame of others
Can’t let go of the past
Coy behavior
Unresolvable struggles, struggle or fighting over an issue that never seems to get resolved
Difficult for the child to compromise
Avoiding other people needs excessively
Either excessively vulnerable or excessively invulnerable, or alternating between both
Relies on coercion to get needs met
Very sensitive to humiliation
Jealousy
Snowball, little problems quickly escalate to big problems and melt-downs
More serious indicators
Mental health issues, including ADHD, ASD, phobia, PTSD symptoms, cutting, suicidal thoughts
Physical illnesses more than normal
Immune system problems
Somatic issues, like frequent unexplained tummy aches, constant tapping, ticks, odd speech
Destructive acting out
Drug use
Sexual activity
Focus on or exposure of genitals (for any age)
References
The Dynamic Maturational Model of Attachment and Adaptation (DMM) is an advanced and complex model of attachment theory and science which describes attachment behaviors in great and fine detail. The DMM also describes relationship-dangers, parenting practices that can harm a child’s attachment and development. If new regressive behaviors occur just before and after the parents separate, it is critical to attend to them immediately before they become neurally ingrained defense mechanisms.
Streeck-Fischer, A. and van der Kolk, B.A., 2000. Down will come baby, cradle and all: Diagnostic and therapeutic implications of chronic trauma on child development. Australian & New Zealand Journal of Psychiatry, 34(6), pp.903-918. From <https://scholar.google.com/scholar?hl=en&as_sdt=0%2C48&q=down+will+come+baby&btnG=#d=gs_cit&t=1699905322938&u=%2Fscholar%3Fq%3Dinfo%3AXQMGGYNa6GsJ%3Ascholar.google.com%2F%26output%3Dcite%26scirp%3D0%26hl%3Den>
About the author of this article
Mark Baumann wrote this article. He is a family law lawyer and developmental expert. He has training in attachment science, which are the ways childhood and adult attachment are assessed. He also has training in Interpersonal Neurobiology and coercive control. His full resume is available here.